Grindhousin'

The following article is an expanded and uncensored version of a piece I penned a couple of years back for a now-defunct magazine. It's also a preview of an upcoming book of mine on cult movies.

James Agee. Andrew Sarris. Pauline Kael. Think about the mind-expanding theoretical insight and exquisite prose these great film critics gave us. Now wonder where we celluloid lovers would be without them. (Why, we’d be a country of – gulp - Elvis Mitchells.) But as brilliant as these cineastes were, a lifetime of New York City moviegoing has convinced me that some of the most salient and memorable filmic observations come from the regular ticket buying public. The following are some of my favorite critical assessments; statements I’ve overheard before, during and after screenings in a variety of neighborhood motion picture houses. In other words, these are reel opinions from real people.

Star Wars Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace: ‘Uh-uh, there’s no way, no way, that annoying little midget ends up as Darth Vader. No way!”

Star Wars Episode 2 – Attack Of The Clones: (During the fight scene between Yoda and Count Dooku.) “Yo, I didn’t know that Yoda trained under the Tasmanian Devil.”

Boogie Nights: “Goddam, Marky Mark sure be packin’!”

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer: “Damn, I spent 10 bucks to see Brandy get chopped up and didn’t even get a chance to savor that bullshit.”

Freddy vs. Jason: (Shouted right after Kelly Rowland got smashed into a tree by Jason.) “It’s destiny, child!”

Transformers: (After the transformer Jazz’s demise.) “How come even when they’re robots, the Black man has to be the only one to die?”

Heat: (Shouted right after the Al Pacino – Robert DeNiro diner face-off.) “Method Acting 101, y’all.”

Pulp Fiction: (Overheard after John Travolta accidentally shot Phil LaMarr in the back seat of the car that Samuel L. Jackson is driving.) “Is that brains in Sam Jackson’s hair?” “It ain’t just curl activator.”

La Bamba: “Yo, this ripped off The Buddy Holly Story!””

After a screening of the 1998 American remake of Godzilla starring Matthew Broderick and Jean Reno: “So, 150 million dollars later, it basically came down to Ferris Bueller and The Professional fighting a bunch of retarded raptors in Madison Square Garden.”

He Got Game: “Uh-oh, Spike’s gonna fuck up the ending again.”

The Killing Fields: (Just as the lights are going down in the theater.) “I hope there’s not a lot of violence in this.” “Hello, it’s called The Killing Fields. It takes place in Vietnam.” “So what, a Vietnam movie can’t still be quiet and tasteful?” “Once again, I repeat, The Killing Fields.”

I Robot: (After realizing that the female lead Bridget Moynihan would not, unlike her leading man Will Smith, be doing a nude scene.) “This is bullshit. How come I have to see the Fresh Prince’s ass but not the white bitch’s ass?”

Friday The 13th – The Final Chapter: (Yelled when the heroine is repeatedly striking the homicidally determined Mr. Voorhees with a machete.) “Hit that motherfucker again. Hit him again. Believe me, I’ve seen all of these movies. Hit him again!”

Certain actors have certain Brechtian qualities in that they produce works that continually engage the audience. (At least, they did until the paucity of their box office grosses relegated them to the direct-to-DVD section of your now-closed video rental store and reruns on Spike TV and the USA network.) I am, of course, referring to Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal.. Here are some reactions to some of their greatest hits.

Timecop: (After a trademark Van Damme butt-clenching full split.) “I sure wish my man could do that.” “Why? What practical purpose would it serve?” “I don’t know but it’s just so pretty.”

Hard Target: (After an impassioned plot-advancing Van Damme monologue.) “Huh?”

Above The Law: (On the ticket buyer line before the screening.) “Why are we watching this?” “I don’t know why you’re here but I’m here for two reasons: Pam Grier!”

Out For Justice: (After Seagal’s third lengthy soliloquy in the film.) “Motherfucker, I didn’t come here to see you act.. I came here to see you kick ass.” (Immediately afterwards, Seagal springs into action shooting, gouging and throwing thugs out of windows.) “Now that’s what I’m motherfuckin’ talking about!”

Under Siege: “Aw shit, Seagal cut his ponytail. He must mean business.” “Yep, it’s Oscar time.”

And speaking of Oscar, here’s my all time personal favorite audience exchange. It was overheard during Reds, an ambitious epic which earned its star Warren Beatty the 1981 Academy Award for best direction.

Reds: (3 hours into this opus with Beatty emoting mightily onscreen, an elderly man nudges his equally elderly female companion.) “Who’s that?” “Why that’s Warren Beatty!!” “Oh, is he in this too?”